wine on an empty stomach is my excuse for sloppy syntax and inconsistent punctuation.
on becoming an atheist:

It's been a long time coming. From having my faith broken down in religion (in general: "they're all wrong! mine MUST be right!" and having that fallacy beaten out of my brain in many capacities... just feels arrogant) to exploring alternates,

clinging to the concept of God felt more important to me than the idea itself. I had to find justifications to believe what I felt, like letting go of God was the ultimate disgrace and insult, an irredeemable affront to the sensibility of humankind at large.

But once I stopped trying to find ways to fit God into my worldview (god is all, god is breath and the animating force, god is the underlying invisible force that makes electrons go zoom) and stopped trying to find clever turns of phrase to describe what I felt I should believe, it all
just

fell
away...

No regret, no resentment, no bitterness or anger. If there is a God, if God is all the things I've hoped, he/she/it certainly won't mind that I've stopped personalizing it.

Not having a celestial Santa Claus, an ethereal unknowable scapegoat, throws my perception of life into crystalline clarity.

(Oh, there's no Supreme Being in charge of all of this? Well no fuckin'
WONDER!)

God is an excuse. God is what we turn to when we don't understand, can't comprehend, don't want to face the idea that we are utterly alone and this is all we have.

God is comfort. God has a higher plan, one that we mere mortals dare not question, but it's okay in the end because whatever cruel and hideous things we've been subjected to are meant to strengthen us, and it's all for a reason.

No.

Life just... sucks sometimes. And we deal with it. Life's not fair, never has been, never will be. Learn what you can, not because it's a lesson deliberately given to you, but because you can always use knowledge, apply it next time, pass on wisdom to someone who's going through the same thing years down the road.

God is an excuse. I don't have to take risks, do things that terrify me, stick my neck out, piss people off in pursuit of something monumental and earth-shaking and controversial, because none of this really matters if you're assured an afterlife. This Earth is just a shadow of His Heavenly Kingdom, right? Keep your head down and pay lip service and tithe to your region's predominant belief system and you'll more than likely coast free in Heaven for eternity.

I'm sure this all sounds morbid and cynical, but it doesn't feel that way. Not at all.

It feels like... a relief. Knowing that no one's listening when I shake my fist at the cosmos and scream "WHYYYYYYYYYYY!?!?!" motivates me to get off my ass and do something myself instead of waiting around for permission or divine intervention.

This is what it feels like to take responsibility, to stop making excuses for your inaction and shitty life and unhappiness and procrastination.

This is all you have. THIS IS IT.

Grab Life by the throat. Make sweet sweet love to Life, emerge giggling breathless and drenched in sweat and musk. Mix some metaphors. Make your surroundings a little brighter, just by being there. You are not a transient candle flame, extinguished at the whim of a being greater than yourself.

You're friction and heat and breath and potential and the world is waiting to see what you're going to do.

"There is no God" doesn't feel like despair or giving up. It feels like... freedom? Renewed vigor and determination. There are no wrong choices, just choices. You're not going to accidentally slip up and roast forever. No one's breathing down your neck judging your actions, but you've still gotta choose carefully. You don't get a personal God who cares about your every action and gives you rewards (hallelujah, rockstar parking space! oh, my team won the Superbowl!! praise JAYZUS!!) according to your behavior. You're held accountable for your actions towards humanity at large by your loved ones, everyone who matters to you, and in the case of juries, people who don't.

(Really, what's a better deterrent, knowing that your wife would be devastated and leave you and take the kids if you fucked a hot sales rep on a business trip, or the thought of a few Our Fathers at confession?)

And is anyone else bothered by the bizarre horrific contradiction here? What kind of I Am That I Am would play favorites with a tiny group of people, elite by birth and not by virtue of action, and ignore the rest, granting petty requests and allowing the rest of this earth to wither and burn?

No more impotent rage. No more desperate prayers falling on deaf or distracted ears. No more baffling attempts to justify why a supposedly kind, attentive, loving god would allow starving pregnant mothers, malignant tumors, fatal car crashes, or child soldiers to exist.

It's just empty. And clean. And silent.

I don't feel lonely - I feel free.

It's just you and the world, my love, and you owe it to all of us to fucking shine, not shirk from responsibility, potential pain, difficult decisions.

C'mon. We're waiting.